Tony finally checked in.
Well actually somebody sent us all this info, and used the super-secret password (Tony) so we know it's legit. The latest Tony update: |
So I'm taking a break from work, ya know...on a little vacation. I see this poster. It's little people wrestling. Plus they're having some Special Donkey Show. I've gotta hit this bar and check it out. Maybe there's some hot donkey-chicks working there. |
Don't remember too much about the evening, beyond Clara. She works at the bar. We spoke briefly, she said "He'll do" to someone behind me, and I was handed my second/third drink...and that's about it.
Nothing. Complete blank.
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When I woke up the next afternoon, these three guys were standing there. They wanted my autograph, had been at the bar the night before, bought the DVD too. As far as I'm concerned, it's just one big WTF, but they said:
"Congrats. You've been sold to the circus!" |
I figured there were worse ways to spend your life. My great-great Uma's Upa was in a Hungarian gypsy circus, a very highly regarded profession at the time. This deal, however...wasn't looking quite that good. |
At every town we went to, I had to haul this yahoo down main street. All I know is that he was "the guy who signs our checks" so he got to salute the suckers he would be taking money from each weekend with this silly ritual. |
I also had to haul Condom the Clown around. I think he was the fore-runner of the 22 and 24 inch wheels of today. Those babies are a set of proud 74 inchers! You should have seen them after he put on the spinners. |
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad. I still managed to keep my Hollywood attitude and rise above it all. Actually, the glasses are because I was hung over. Nobody parties like circus folk. They eat Irishmen for breakfast, then brunch on Australians. |
And there were a few side trips that made it all worthwhile. I even got to go with a group of friends to Medieval Times. Great show, highly recommend it, cheer for the Red & Gold Knight, he always wins. |
 But overall, it was getting a little strange. For instance, there was Od the Clown who seemed just a little bit too cuddly and was always inviting me to his trailer to see his "Uncle Od's Funtime Fuzzy Puppet Show". |
And there was these two guys. I heard rumors, wild, unthinkable things. I heard odd sounds coming from their trailer almost nightly. And that's all I'm gonna say.
I really needed to get the hell out of there. You can only come up with excuses to turn down "a little dinner and a big movie" so many times.
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Then I met Zebdon, who understood my plight and was willing to help. Being the circus bookie, the man had pull. And, as I found out, he also had a score to settle with Od the clown. Big score, from the way he described it. Something about a night in Toledo that he'll never get over. He had a plan that would give me a chance to slip away.
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You see, Zebdon's brother Stan had a thing going on the side with Hilda the Hippo. At the same time, Stan's wife was schlupping Od the Clown. Everybody knew. Hilda was unattached and in love with Stan. When Zebdon explained his plan, she leapt at the chance to help. Okay, maybe she didn't leap, but she was "in". |
Clip from the local newspaper. We were on Channel 133 News too!
Hilda was VERY upset about this sentence:
"The vets said it was the first time the hefty vegetarian had ever eaten a circus performer."
She sent a letter to the editor, explaining she was definitely not "hefty", but merely big-boned.
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After showing my "bite" to the Lieutenant, I was released and took advantage of all the confusion caused by Zebdon's set-up and took off.
But the problem was: where does one go to hide from circus folks?
Where would they NEVER look for you?
Where's the quietest non-party place around?
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Here. A nunnery. A nice, quiet convent. I'm not sure if it's where they make nuns, or store nuns, but it seemed like the leastly likely place a group of torch bearing circus clowns would come looking for you.
Besides, I heard that all they do is kneel around and pray, which sounds to me kind of relaxing, like a little retreat.
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Suprisingly enough, Nuns have Fun. For instance, they have a whole softball league where they play other nuns for regional championships. The nun-o-rama where I was staying was the Convent of the Holy Sister's Sister. They had t-shirts made and everything. Didn't ever wear them, cept on Wild Wednesday Wash Clothes Night, but they had them.
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 Some of the nuns were in a singing club. I heard them perform a few times, but they mostly do cover stuff of Aerosmith, Metallica and early Led Zepplin and I'm just not that into that era. Besides that whole biting head off of dove thing gets a little old the second or third time around. They got rhytmn, but still, we all hate getting those blood stains out. |
The Sisters of the Holy Scuba tend to spend a lot of time down at the water, doing their highly rated Syncrohized Seagull dance, where they frolic in the surf, scream "Ka-Ka!" a lot and generally make people happy. I've never seen one of them actually go diving, but Sister Mary Cousteau showed me what she said was her snorkel once. She keeps it in her nightstand by the bed. It was made by a company called: Requires Two (2) AAA Batteries (not included).
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 Some of the Sisters, particularly the more...umm...robust ones, started the Sister Kilometer Track & Field club. They'd pound ground almost every morning after the third round of pray time. Got good results at local marathons too...folks were afraid to go around them because they had "God will have your ass for passing us." written on their backs. Since they always started at the front of the pack, they often came home with trophies.
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The Friday-night-after-confession races were a hoot too. There were drag races, small oval and on nights when the girls really wanted to kick up their heels, the dreaded Figure 8 races. Blood was shed, tempers flared, one nun once said "dang it all!" once, which totally hushed the crowd, but they always thanked God on the podium, so they had it covered.
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 Another club was the long standing Sisters from the Order of Winchester. These babes could shoot a pea off the Last Supper table at 100 yards. Yep, they were that good. Occasionally Father Priest would ask them to do a "drop by" on a congregation member that isn't weighing down the collection plate enough. Based on results, they're a persuasive group of gals. |
 Give some of these convent chicks a steering wheel and they get brutal fast. Sister Mary Gordon was tossed out for t-boning Sister Agnes Earnhart...twice. As usual, Junior Sister Johnson sat back and took the lead in the last few laps. On the podium she said she "Gave it all up to God" but we all knew she was lying. |
After this outing, the ladies took a vote, and Sister Patricia Pepto was no longer allowed to ride on the roller coasters, unless she sat in the very back. That's her, front row, left. We probably should have waited a little longer after the hot dog eating contest (which she also won) before riding the mighty "God Have Mercy" coaster.
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Don't be silly, of course there are dogs in the nunnery. Sister Cathy Canine of the order of Holy Spaniels is a spry 8 year old who hasn't missed mass yet. |
 That's Hal on the left, Mary on the right. These two are actually a couple of snobs. You know...the kind that leave at sundown because they have to "get up early". No kidding idiot, it's a friggin' nunnery. We ALL get up early.
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Mens room at the convent. Thought I'd throw that in, just in case you're one of the few penis-owners who's never peed in a nunnery. Yea, they don't get too many guys stopping over, place is like a ghost town. Good reading spot. |
As in most nunneries, there are some seriously bad habits. These four can always be found out on the back stairway, smoking up a storm. |
Sometimes a group of the girls will head out for a little nip at their favorite outdoor bar. Although all liquor is about the same, they tend to call this place their favorite gin joint, 'cause they gets lots of attention.
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And on occasion, there is a tiny little bit of excess going on. 'Specially right after lent. Here the girls are doing "She dinn't!" "Oh yes she did!" None of it made much sense to me. They got tossed out an hour later anyway. |
Probably the happiest nun I've met is Sister Susan Sativa. Although she often looks tired and tends to space out on occasion, she's always fun to be around and knows where all the snacks are hidden. She always laughs at everybody's jokes, even her own "quiet ones" as she calls them.
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Sister Cathy's roommate is Sister Ignacius Indiga. I don't know much about her, seemed to stay in her room a lot, has a thing about keeping the door locked and the window open. Does a lot of deep pondering, often wants you to repeat a question you just asked her. Again. |
This is the Mother Superior. She's the head Mother around here. She's called "The Mother" by outsiders, but quaintly enough she's referred to as "that Mutha" by the gals in the convent. Despite her attitude, she still takes in wayward women. |
A good example of a wayard woman is Sister Fredericks. She used to do what I was told are "documentries", I believe she was attached to the Holy Order of Chatsworth, but she doesn't serve there any more. |
It took a while to get Sister Fredericks to stop doing this at morning mass. We all thought it would get the priests hot and bothered, but it never seemed to. Congregational attendence went WAY up there for a while. Mostly guys. |
Sister Patricia Payne. I stayed away from her. I think she was just a little wierd. Kept telling me she's the only one who can show me how to be a proper "Donkey Boy". |
Although I enjoyed my stay, there were the little things that kept nagging at me. Things like riding on two wheels. I missed that. And since circus clowns hadn't burned the place down, i figured they'd move on to some other county by now. |
I bought a scooter from Sister Catrina Cushman for fifty bucks. It really sucks at wheelies and you can't get your knee down very easily in corners, but for a straight line tourer, it's not so bad. Depends mostly on the wind. |
I'm on the road to Indy. I'm making good time. Today I got from where I shot this photo to all the way to the top of that uphill you can see in the background. I'll keep in touch.
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